Why would I talk to a group of widows about emotions? How are emotions a part of your loss and transition? Many of you may be saying,
“Let’s get on with it and give me the magic pill to stop this pain in my body, mind, and heart.”
I wish I did have that magic pill or magic bean. A magic pill that once swallowed would do what ____________________________________. How would you fill in the blank?
If you did have access to the magic pill to remove all the negative emotions such as anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, panic, depression, despair, etc., and bodily pain from loss - headaches, stomach pain, anxiety in your body, what would you want next _________________________________? Let’s fill in the blank. If you are wanting something badly, why do you want it? You have to know why you want it.
Joe Dispenza, a well-known author, speaker, and physician states, “If you don’t have a clear definition of abundance or anything you want or desire, you CAN’T achieve it.”
I have watched many widows struggle with the death of their husbands. I have wanted a magic pill for them to make the pain go away. Many of them are bound and determined to beat this “grief monster” in the boxing ring with the same tools they have always used to beat life struggles. They keep punching the wrong target. That target has usually been themselves.
How about you? Are you trying to overcome grief with the same boxing gloves in the same life arena? All I noticed when I did this was that my boxing gloves did not fit anymore. They were unsuited for this fight. The “grief monster” was throwing punches that I could not dodge, let alone fight back. I was beaten and bruised with no energy to move or face my days.
I slowly realized that my mindset about my emotional state had to change or I was going to limp with one eye closed and bruised throughout the rest of my life. I felt powerless, hopeless, and abandoned wishing for the end of this world so I could see my loved ones again. I wanted more. I deserved more. I had to face ME. I had to face what was holding ME back from punching out the “grief monster” and not myself.
Emotional Mindset
How do we do it? Let’s go back to the quote by Joe Dispenza. “If you don’t have a clear definition of abundance or anything you want or desire, you CAN’T achieve it.”
This quote has so much to do with Emotional Mindset. How do we move from negative emotions to positive emotions? How do we move from pain to purpose? How do we move from survival to creation? How do we fill the void in our lives and feel whole again? What has to happen to take us to a new level of life?
It took many years after grad school in marriage and family and even a new relationship before I came face to face with ME and my EMOTIONAL MINDSET. Yes. MINDSET. I began to realize that I had a MINDSET filled with powerful EMOTIONS keeping me stuck in limiting beliefs that were exposing me to more and more pain in the life arena. I had to find powerful equipment to “fight” for me, to take care of me so I could take care of others, and fulfill my dreams, desires, and ambitions.
So……...let’s talk about mindset…...but first…..
Let’s talk about emotions.
What do you know about emotions?
When are we taught about emotions? Here are some phrases that you may have heard growing up about emotions.
“You are too sensitive”
“Stop crying”
“Get over it”
“Keep it to yourself”
“Don’t cry over spilled
milk”
“You are just like your_____________”
“How did you get to be so sensitive?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“You cry all the time.”
“You are a drama queen.”
“He is too sensitive to be a boy.”
“Stop crying or I will give you a reason to cry.”
“Get that look off your face.”
“You’re not hurt.”
“How did you get to be so___________?”
“Wipe away those tears!”
After hearing all these emotionally charged phrases, what is coming up for you? Memories, ideas, anger, perspective, opinions, sadness?
Also, we possibly even learned something about emotion in the womb. Many studies have indicated that there is research to show that we learn emotions in the womb.
An author and well-known obstetrician, Christiane Northrup (2005) shares that if a pregnant mother is going through high levels of fear or anxiety she creates a “metabolic cascade.” Hormones known as cytokines (SI TO KINES) are produced and the mother’s immune system is affected, including her child’s. Chronic anxiety in the mother can set the stage for a whole array of trauma-based results such as prematurity, complications of birth, death, and miscarriage.
The opposite is also true. When the mother is feeling healthy and happy, she produces oxytocin. This is often called the molecule of belonging. The presence of this component creates feelings of bonding and strengthens immunity in the baby.
Neurotransmitters moving inside the mother’s body create a chemical and physical imprint on the baby’s brain and body. The message imprinted is that there is safety and peace. The baby feels secure and taken care of.
The next time you experience one of these emotions and you cannot figure out where it came from perhaps it came before your physical birth. You may have had a detached mother or a scared one. You could have had a mother who did not want to get pregnant and resented the father. Maybe your mother was depressed and lonely. Hopefully, you had a happy and content mother who nurtured you in her heart and enjoyed having you in her life.
Now, that is just something to think about. Right?!
Avoiding Negative Emotions
So……….trying to avoid negative feelings is costly (What you may have learned as a child).
Everyone experiences emotional pain; it’s part of being human. It’s also very human to try to avoid these negative feelings by numbing them.
What you may not realize is that numbing the painful emotions also numbs the positive ones. Trying to avoid emotional pain may lead to disastrous results.
Some harmful ways we try to numb emotional pain include things such as drinking, taking drugs, cutting oneself, seriously restricting food intake, injuring someone else or an animal, or committing suicide. While these actions may temporarily or permanently numb the emotional pain, honestly expressing their difficult emotions gives better options. When you allow yourself to express their negative feelings, you learn how to talk through their pain rather than try to bury it.
However, when your feelings are validated, you feel understood and recover more quickly. You learn that you can handle difficult feelings and eventually experience relief.
Now the next question would be, so…..if this is a place where emotions originated for me, what do I do with all these emotions from the grief of loss?
What Are Emotions?
Emotion is a subjective state of mind. Emotions can be reactions to internal stimuli (such as thoughts or memories) or events that occur in our environment.
Emotions by themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply reactions. However, the way we act (or don’t act) on our emotions can strongly affect our well-being. This is our MINDSET. Big emotions can be overwhelming. ... Conversely, when individuals with a fixed emotion mindset encounter a big emotion, they are more likely to feel that they are simply not capable of managing their feelings. In turn, they are more likely to try to disengage from the emotional experience altogether.
Our emotions are controlled by a group of brain structures called the limbic system. The limbic system releases chemicals that spur our emotional states. The type of emotion we feel depends on which chemicals have been released. For example, the hormone oxytocin allows us to experience feelings of love.
Emotions not only reflect our mental states—they also alter our body chemistry and functioning. For example, when we feel fear, our sympathetic nervous system activates. Our pupils dilate, our heart rate goes up, and we may start sweating. Conversely, our bodily states can also affect our emotions. If you are angry or afraid, you can take deep breaths to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. This system slows your heart rate and helps you calm down.
What is Grief?
Grief interrupts our normal brain functioning, and our brain is in charge of sending signals to the rest of our body. Grief can cause changes in brain chemicals like dopamine and serotonin. “These chemicals work in a fine balance to keep our moods and functioning smooth. Grief throws them out of balance.”
Grief affects our limbic system, which is the system of nerves and networks in the brain, as well as the pre-frontal cortex,
Burnette explains. "This can throw off how we regulate our emotions, our concentration levels, our ability to multi-task, and our memory function. Hormonal changes can also affect eating and sleep patterns, and can cause anxiety and restlessness, which—as you can imagine—can drastically affect how you feel."
"While, in almost all scenarios, mourning the loss of a loved one involves the same parts of the brain from person to person, biology is only one piece of the equation," says Raichbach. People deal with emotional stress differently and have various coping mechanisms.
Now, have you ever heard the words - EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?
Emotional Intelligence includes the ability to engage in sophisticated information processing about one’s own and other’s emotions and the ability to use this information as a guide to thinking and behavior. That is, individuals high in emotional intelligence pay attention to, use, understand, and manage emotions, and these skills serve adaptive functions that potentially benefit themselves and others.
Mayer, Salovey, and Caruso (2008).
How do you de-stress after a bad day at work?
What’s something you’ve achieved that you’re most proud of and why?
Who are some of your top role models, and why do they inspire you?
How do you celebrate success?
How do you respond when a co-worker challenges you?
Have you ever had to change your behavior, either at work or home, if so, why did you have to change, and how did you change?
How do you recover from failure?
When have you felt demotivated, and what did you do to overcome this?
How would some of your closest friends describe you?
What kind of behavior makes you angry/annoyed?
“Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions. Most emotions are responses to perception - what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms - what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn't make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe.”
― William P. Young, The Shack
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